Most smokers have had the occasional experience of looking down at the stinking little death-stick in our fingers and felt a sense of bizarre alienation from the act, wondering how the hell it came to be that these stupid little things run our lives and boss us around all day as they slowly kill us. It has happened to me many, many times, but I've always managed to eventually shrug and decide that now is not the time to deal with it. Just take another drag and be done with that little flight of fancy, I said to myself, because you can't quit.
And then Monday night, with no warning, I suddenly knew with objective and detached certainty that the cigarette in my hand as I drove home from work was the last one. I only enjoyed it as much as any other cigarette. I looked at it a bit. Rolled it around in my fingers, slowing down time, giving myself the opportunity to withdraw the motion. But it never passed. I waited a few more hours, and at the end I was still certain. So I calmly handed my cigarettes over to David and told him to do something with them because I am done.
I'm done. For today. And the next day. And the next day...
The AA approach--"I will always be an addict"--is actually proving to be helpful. The whole one day at a time method is also working. There are a few other tricks I'm developing to help ease the process too, such as vividly imagining the nicotine monster as this nasty little asshole that whispers horrible things in my ear, since I then have the option of ignoring it after telling it to fuck the fuck off.
Nighttime is terrible. Everything has turned upside down; I used to hate mornings and look forward to the hours after dark, and now I loathe the dark. It surrounds me with restless boredom, fills me with nervous irritation, and explodes in angry, frothing shrieks of self-loathing that almost reach my throat. I hope that I don't decide to start blogging on a particularly horrible evening, but if something really snaky and cruel appears for a day, please know that it's the little monster talking. Maybe I'll leave it up so I can remember what a little bitch it is.
More to come later.
Allison: I applaud and support your efforts and hope that you continue to stand by your convictions and to share your thoughts about this process. I would suggest some caution on one level: I have been chastised, criticized and demonized... by innumerable ex-smokers. The polite or playful suggestion that i should quit or [even better] a series of open-minded and open-ended questions from an ex-smoker regarding my habit and opinions are always welcome. However, many vehement ex-smokers develop a sense of--i'll just say it--superiority about their ability to give up and perpetually sustain from their former habit. Often i'll hear from an ex-smoker, the surprising revelation that...brace yourself...these cigarettes are bad for you!
ReplyDeleteI agree with your comment about "the AA approach." A former alcoholic once told me that AA fostered a tendency to replace one habit with another. For him, it was coffee and cigarettes. Not the most healthy switch--but undoubtedly less ha...rmful to himself and others. By extension, I think that many ex-smokers feel compelled to remind those of us still on the wicked little cancer sticks that we're chemically dependent, slavish automatons slowly ruining our lives with our choice to maintain a toboacco habit. I say "habit" because smoking is not necessarily any more of an "addiction" than other compelling, repetitive vices that are rarely given such that same distinction. But the ex-smokers are usually more likely to bitch about/to us smokers than the non-smokers are. In terms of socialization, i think it should be a non-issue. Smokers should sit up-wind, but actually, I also think that after some time has passed, ex-smokers need to become comfortable being in proximity to someone who does choose to smoke. I've actually had friends all but disappear from our social gatherings due to the abundance of smokers and their inability to be around them, even a long while after the initial quitting stage.
But i digress... It's not in your personality, i think, to be up in other people's shit about their personal decisions, and i suppose i'm both preaching to the choir and venting in retrospect about other ex-smokers who, in regards to tobacc...o use, have acted like real jerks. It's all about personal choice, and as a smoker, i will always try to give as much respect to people's choices to abstain as i expect them to give me for my own habits and decisions. So...congratulations on your successfully quitting--I hope you will still come over to hang w/ the nicotine fiends. ; )
Allison,
ReplyDeleteI like the way you write, find you to be introspective and willing to share how 'it' feels.
Have you heard of/know of/about micropresses? I love the idea of them and have some micropress publications. In fact, I've thought of starting a micropress and wonder if you would like to work with me on this idea?
I even have made storage for the little pubs. Wouldn't it be cool if you find yourself with a group of writing that you can publish, display, and sell?
Let's talk about micropublishing and making books!
It sounds like fun, but how can I contact you?
ReplyDeleteAC--you can reach me on my blogspot, Studio109, or you can email me at school, jsapp@abtech.edu, or at home, jansapp007@aol.com.
ReplyDelete